Twas The Hype Before ISIS™

(From "What Really Happened" under Fair Use)

TWAS THE HYPE BEFORE ISIS™

Twas the hype before ISIS, and all through the land

Creatures were stirring, finding things to be banned

The effigies were hung from the trees with care

In hopes that Saint Fraudulent soon would be here

 

 

The children were hidden beneath their beds

While visions of beheadings bounced in their heads

And mamma with her AK and I with my Glock

Our fevered brains couldn't tell it was a bunch of crock

 

When out on the internet there arose such a chatter

That Homeland Security didn't see what was the matter

Yet away to the Windows I flew like a flash

Tore open the Firefox and typed with a bash

 

 

And soon on the rest of my new fallen words

The luster of paranoia a washed all the herds

When what to my wondering eyes should I see

But a Toyota truck with eight tiny jihadi

 

 

With an old driver, so lively and brawn

I knew in a moment it was Jihadi John

More rapid than rumor his soldiers they came

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name

 

 

Now Dastgir! Now, Dani! Now, Pasha and Viqaas!

On, Coman! On, Codei! On, Dorrah and Bijan!

To the top of the hill, to the top of the wall

Now Daesh away! Daesh away! Daesh away all!

 

 

And then, with a shudder, I heard in the drive

The Toyota truck motor as if it were alive

As I grabbed my head and was turning around

Down the chimney Jihadi John did bound

 

 

He was dressed all in black, from his head to his foot

Dressed so black one could not see ashes or soot

A bundle of bombs he had tied to his back

And he looked like a SWAT guy, with not as much tact

 

 

His eyes how they twinkled! His mission so merry!

He brandished his sword, so red like a cherry

His droll little accent was perfect for TV

He said the orange jumpsuit was 'specially for me

He was chummy and svelte, a right jolly ol' jihadi

And I laughed when I saw him, despite my Glock 23

A wink of his eye and a twist of his sword

Soon gave me to know I had a waterboard

 

 

Then spoke not a word, but worked with a calm

And filled all the stockings each with a bomb

And laying a finger on the detonator

And giving a nod, up the chimney like an accelerator!

 

 

He splooshed into the Toyota and his team gave a yell

And away they all flew like bats out of hell

But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he smoked from his pipe

“Happy hoax infidel, and enjoy all the hype!”