Thursday, May 16, 2013

Confessions Of A Boston Baked Bomber

by Dzzhochar Tsarnova

Ha Ha! I have the simpleton infidels right where I want them. Through my brilliant machinations, which I will explain further, the Great Satan will be brought down to his knees! Although I may not have died a martyr like my brother, Tamerlamershammalamma, who now enjoys the inexperience of over 70 virgins in the great Valhalla, no wait, dammit(!), well, you know what I mean in the world of the living I'm enjoying the adoration of more teenage girls than Justin Bieber. Ahahahaha, life is good for me!

To think, our revenge against the infidels of Boston began just over a month ago, and the story your government keeps spinning makes it difficult for a world-renowned terrorist, such as myself,  to even try to keep up. But, I will!

(Here I am during my Bob Dylan phase. Yes, the times they are a-changing.)
It all began innocently enough when my brother and I were shopping at the local mass quantity warehouse store and spotted some rather fetching pressure cookers. On the spur of the moment we bought six of them. Once home we went immediately to the internet to learn how to make...bombs out of them! HaHa! Not only that, you putrid infidels, we decided to take them to the Boston Marathon. However, before we left, we had one too many tokes and forgot the bombs and wound up carrying schoolbooks in our backpacks! Bah! It did not matter. Our cleric had called us to meet him at 666 Bolyston (yes, infidel, 666, bwahahahahaha!!!!!) and we were standing and standing around waiting for the guy. Then, BOOM, BOOM. We then understood our place in this attack and got the freaking infidel outta there!

(Your infidel government released photographs of the remains of black backpacks while you can clearly see mine is not black! HA! This is how I will be set free from your cruel penal system!)
Your infidel government tried to confuse us further by releasing photographs of the backpacks that didn't look anything like the ones we were carrying that day. Not to worry, we went back to our cover lives. I went to school and even attended the type of rad college party you infidels have taught your children how to throw! I mean, why should we run? Your government was pointing fingers at the Saudis (again). Then that night the news showed our pictures, we knew what we were to do.

Our plan was simple: rob a store, wait, what? Your government has changed the story again? Crap! OK. So, we go to a store and buy some junk food and Red Bull. Praise! Then we think it'd be great, although we were driving a perfectly good car, to hijack another car! Of course! Bah! I instructed my brother to make sure he confessed to everything we did to the driver of the hijacked car. HA! Brilliant! Oh, almost forgot. We needed to shoot an MIT cop. OK, so we drive the two cars to some store - again - we really had the munchies - and - of course, our prisoner escaped into the night. Crap! Not to worry! Without our hostage, we decide to drive the two cars to some neighborhood and somehow, your infidel police found out where we were!!! What???

The ensuing shootout, wherein we were not even armed - dammit, we were so stoned we forgot to bring our handguns. No, wait, your government says my brother had a a handgun. OK! Plus, don't forget those extra pressure cookers we bought. Just like in your infidel westerns, we had an old fashion shoot out with the police. This seemed like as good a time as any for me to jump into one of the cars and run my brother over! Yes! I never forgave him for stealing my GI Joe as a kid! Then, to help matters, I suppose the police decided to shoot up his corpse or, maybe, blow it up, I'm not sure, for I was in the process of easily escaping from your infantile infidel police forces. Dammit!!!! No wait, I didn't drive away, I escaped on foot! That's what they say! Yes, you measly infidels, that's how good I am, escaping a thousand cops on foot! Bwahahahahaha!

So, I'm in Watertown and decide to hide in a boat. I'm nothing if not ironic and unarmed. And I'm superior to you as well! While waiting for the police to eventually find me (the nosey owner of the boat happened to peek inside), I decide now is a good a time as any to grab a pen and write my confession on the wall of the boat. I admit everything because I know the police will arrive and promptly kill my ass! This note will be on the news the next day! Surely not over a month later! But, I progress.

(I'm leaving the boat, bloodless and proud! -photo source: CBS-TV)
The cops come and fire a ton of bullets into the boat, but even though I am unarmed, the Great Satan cannot harm me and I climb out of the boat ready to surrender to the infidel police force and spread my message of hate and intolerance in one of your fetid courtrooms. However, the next thing I remember is that I'm in the back of an ambulance with a serious wound to my throat and blood all over my body! Whoa! Your infidel cops sure know how to work on a guy!

But, I'm not done yet. No! Even though I can't talk, I confess to everything I wrote in the note on the boat (which your infidel government shills won't release for a month) while ignoring one of your basic rights and NOT asking for my Miranda Rights. HAHA! That is how clever I am! Whatever happens to me next is up to you, ignorant septic masses, as I now go on-line and stare at the beautiful pictures your American slut daughters have sent to me. Aahahaha, life is good for me!

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