Tuesday, February 26, 2013

CLIMATE CHANGE Leads To Prostitution And 'Arab Springs'

(Me give you climate change long time!)
Two recent articles point out that even amongst the climate change community lie folks who might be, well, a little tin foil hattie. One article quotes a U.N. official as saying climate change will increase prostitution (yep) while another trumpets a conference that will explore that one of the causes of the so-called 'Arab Spring' (a revolutionary uprising in Egypt) was none other than climate change! These rather strange results, or possible results, actually have roots more in the inhumanity of man against man and the pursuit of money and power than in climate change. These results also seem to disproportionally effect brown people, which of course, leaves whites to be, well, whites.



In that spirit, I'd like to present a list of the heretofore unknown results of what climate change not only has done, but also what climate change is likely to do.

CLIMATE CHANGE HAS CAUSED

THE POPE TO RESIGN
Being Pope is not an easy job, especially when your underlings can't keep their erect penises out of little boys' mouths and asses and little girls' underdeveloped vaginas. Added to the fact that the Pope's residence is situated in such a way as to receive the full blunt force trauma of the sun's climate changing rays and well, who the hell wouldn't resign?

OBAMA TO KILL AMERICANS EXTRA-JUDICIALLY
Back in 2008 when the United States was basking in a regular shortage of high temperatures, Barack Obama seemed like a nice enough guy. Now, after only four some years in office, he has taken it upon himself to start executing Americans extra-judicially using the ubiquitous drones. They, themselves, a product of climate change engineering.

THE WTC BUILDINGS TO COLLAPSE
OK, look! These tall buildings, and the shorter 47 storey WTC Building 7, had been baking away in

(Damn you global warming to hell!)
the corrosive northern sunlight of southern Manhattan for years. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that a couple of planes crashing into the buildings (er, uh, except building 7, but that's the beauty of climate change) would cause their already compromised structure to crumble into a few million tons of dust.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TO SUCK
For those of you who follow the National Basketball Association (NBA), the Los Angeles Lakers have been one of the preeminent teams in the league for years, winning numerous championships. As such, the team represents not only a financial boon to the NBA, but also the networks that carry their games.


Even though basketball is a game played indoors, the athletes have to at least expose themselves to the unrelenting rays of the sun when walking from the front door of their palatial estates to the opened doors of their awaiting limousines. Even that limited exposure has reduced the capability of the Laker players to such an extent that they suck so bad this year they will likely not make the playoffs!

CLIMATE CHANGE WILL CAUSE

REVOLUTIONARY UPRISING IN THE UNITED STATES
Why should all those brown skinned people have all the fun? Revolutions here and revolutions there. Damn! While we fat and sassy Americans sit on our butts before the television throne sucking down our pre-prescribed six pack a night, people are dying to achieve something we used to call democracy. Well, no longer! In the near future, the nefarious machinations of climate change will begin to fry our American brains to such an extent that not only will they be inedible to zombies, but will cause all to begin rioting in the streets for a true republican form of government.

THE SEATTLE MARINERS TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES



Thanks mostly to climate change, the Mariner's retractible roof stadium will be perpetually opened as October rolls around, allowing the team to win it's first ever World Series championship.

JOE BIDEN TO BLOW DICK CHENEY'S HEAD OFF WITH A SHOTGUN BLAST


(Vice-President Aaron Burr - the early years)
It will be during an incredibly hot, muggy, hot (did I mention how bloody hot it will be) day during a future August snipe hunt on the Biden compound in Connecticut, that our vice-president will do Dick Cheney one better and actually become the first sitting vice-president to shoot someone dead since Aaron Burr.

PORTLAND BICYCLISTS TO BE SWEPT AWAY BY GIANT TIDAL SURGE
Thanks to one of the many vagaries of climate change, a sudden and rather swift tidal surge from the Pacific Ocean will race up the Columbia River and into the Willamette River and thus awash downtown Portland in a sea of cleansing as all those rude, self-entitled Portland bicyclists get swept away. [editor's note: in the interests of humanity - they get swept away to a sort of bicycle Valhalla]

RENEE ZELLWEGER TO NOT EXPLODE
If she was any pinker, you'd think she'd explode out of her skin. Well, those fears will be cast to the


wayside as the effects of climate change will reduce Renee's perpetual possible explosiveness to a more gaunt Hollywoodian woman that would rival any cover model on the latest issue of Glamour (itself, unaffected by climate change).


These are only some of the actualities and possibilities of climate change. For, it is presumptuous of mankind to believe that it has caused climate change as it is presumptuous that mankind can correct climate change.

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