Monday, May 7, 2012

FIVE Wrong Ways To Bum A Smoke From Me

WARNING: explicit language

Look, I'm as pleasant as the next smoker, in spite of the continual second class treatment of smokers by the nanny state. However, here are five wrong ways to attempt to "bum a smoke" from me.

1) When I'm talking on the phone. Really, you would interrupt somebody's phone call for any reason? Seriously, you'd walk up to a complete stranger on the street who is talking on the phone and ask them for a cigarette? How fucking rude!

2) When I'm crossing the street in one direction and you are crossing in another direction. Really, I should stop in the middle of a crosswalk and roll you one?

3) When you're a pretty woman, batting your lovely eyes and cooing your voice, asking, "Please, can I bum a smoke?", when your Ramones looking reject of a boyfriend flits about nearby. I know who the fucking smoke is really for!

4) Just as I'm about to board the bus or train. Sure, let me miss my damn bus or train so you can bum a smoke. Makes perfect fucking sense to me, you fucking moron.

5) And last, but certainly not least, when I'm at a bar and you're one of those "I only smoke when I drink" type of smokers, "not like you". Give me a good golly god damned break! You can afford those endless shots of Bushmills but can't afford to buy a fucking pack of smokes? I'm just a working class hero after all.


KJ McElrath said...

Anonymous said...

Quote the raven, "Nevermore". This is why I know people will still buy gas when it is $10.00 a gallon. Back in the '80's I had a mobile catering business. I sold cigarettes for $4.50 a pack (purchased at Costco for $6-12.00 a carton). The store price was around $3.00. Now a pack is going for the carton price and a carton is upwards of $120.00 and millions still smoke.

Rod Harrel said...

As a roll-your-own smoker, I spend less than $8 a week!