Mitt Romney Eats Orphaned Children For Breakfast; Among Other Things

(Giddy women gladly give up another Meal For Mitt!)

Our tenuous sources report through fourth party rumors what most of us died-in-the-wool Democrats knew already: that Mitt Romney, Republican candidate for president, eats orphaned children for breakfast! Sometimes with eggs (scrambled), sometimes with Count Chocula, sometimes with toast and butter, and even (gasp!) sometimes with bagels and lox!

Drunken, unreliable anonymous government sources down at O'Malley's Bar also confirm that Romney scours the country on his so-called campaign trips to lobby orphan organizations to give over some of their "difficult cases" which he likes to turn into something he calls, "orphan fricassee". Apparently, as one staffer put it, "It is very good!".

(Go ahead, throw your vote away!)

Beyond this sickening revelation comes word-of-mouth that Romney is nothing more than another in a long line of Reptilians, who frequently run for our nation's highest offices. Also, Bar-Rak O'Bama, a Jewish fellow we know down at the wharf, swears on a stack of Bibles that Mitt Romney secretly cross-dresses as a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman pretending to be a man. Further sources from the Chickens With Their Heads Cut Off Democrat Society are of the utmost belief that Romney has been known to cavort with known corporate shills in an effort to undermine everything that Democrats hold dear from regularly aborting babies to smoking foot long spliffs!

(I killed Osama bin Ladin)

The list of horrible and even down right anti-social behaviors engaged by Romney, but never, ever, ever, ever by our much beloved and handsome current dream boat, never tell a lie President Barack Obama, include but are not limited to the following:

- leaves the toilet seat up after taking a piss
- scratches his ass before shaking a potential voter's hand
- extra-judicially kills Americans (oops, that's Obama, sorry)
- loves soccer
- kicks puppies with steel-toed boots
- skins kittens alive and mixes them with his famous "orphan fricassee"
- belabors a point to the point of non-sensibility
- farts loudly in elevators
- smokes cigarettes in Burbank
- did we mention eating orphans?